Vyyvaa Planet

Marriage, point of living, changing jobs, and second source money.

Back from the past

its 2021, last time i wrote was 2016? if so… alot has happened since then..let me go thru a quick recap

  1. i traveled to the usa for master education with my kids and husband at the time (year divorced now)
  2. mom had cancer, traveled to france, and went thru episodes in kuwait of heart surgery.
  3. i took off niqab end of 2018
  4. same time i got pregnant.. few months later lost the baby
  5. was completely frustrated with my married life.. went online to find an alternative.
  6. found one.. kept til now, since 2019.
  7. i finished masters by the way in 2017, had the worst years work wise with a tl named eman, and was finally saved from her in 2020.
  8. in 2020 i got divorced from the worst husband worst dad worst everything for me.
  9. now we are 2021 two years into this fucking pandemic.

I now live alone next to my brother, with my two kids, i’m comfortable at my job, eager to grow financially, aiming to buy a house at the beach but the prices are sky rocketing by the day. i managed to buy a land just for investment, a store too. bought little bit of gold, and investing in cryptocurrency. I’m a healthier fitter person, more beautiful, free from alot of the hurdles of the past. but i’m still not happy.

i love the person i am with, but he is not mine to begin with. he is already married with a kid and a pregnant wife. he is taking care of me, but i feel sad and depressed alot of the times knowing that i’m not legally his nor is he giving me the same amount of time and effort as his wife.

i dont know if i opened this blog again just to talk about this.. but i do know i want to write.

it’s almost a year and half since i got divorced, Ot is only financially committed to kids on the minimum level. he doesnt take them out nor does he contribute to raising them. I feel extremely burdened and tired as a single mother, they ask me every single day to take them out, i need to make sure they are on top of their education, they are happy, well fed, well mannered, occupied, have good friends around, health wise too, and their exponential requirements as they move into teenagehood.

i am tried, and i am sad for this, i’m sad for being alone without a partner supporting me at this. i am sad for them too that they have to endure this without a dad. not that the dad we had was a good one, he was really awful. yes, he was not a trouble maker, he didnt cheat, he didnt hit me, but he was irresponsible, lazy, arrogant, narrow minded, empty, uneducated bedouin, and a serial gaming addict.

he continued to push me away, continued to remove himself from us as a unit of a family, and expected me to fucking be patient and loving. no sir! i fucked around the minute i realized how badly my life really is, and you divorced me only because i wanted to save my own kids too. fuck you and go to hell and i’m only sorry we even got married in the first place. i blame my family for throwing me to the shithole. and i wish i wish!!!!!! i can put myself singlehandedly in a proper relationship real soon.

now i am a 42 year old woman, a mother of two, who would wanna be involved with me? that’s why the person i’m involved with is happy at the status we are in. no marriage, fun and talk and lots of fucking. why wouldnt he be satisfied?

but i’m not, and until i find someone who can satisfy my emotional appetite, i will continue with this person.

i’m very angry now, but usually i am very loving towards him, he is an absolute gem, and has been with me thru thick and thin

i’m angry at him because he is being an excellent husband, an even more perfect dad!!! i’m very angry that another woman can get this halal and i couldnt!!! i was 10,000 times a better wife than her for 13 plus years!!!! but the shit i was married too only gave me a title of a married woman. i hate him for robbing me from the best years of my life, just stuck there in the hope that he will be different… different my ass

any way… i really really want to write this all out so i can be free from sadness. i am very sad and i know i deserve wayyyy betttter, fucking life keeps knocking me down. and you know what!!! i am a better person, healthier, more beautiful, have larger circle of useful friends, i got rid of the useless shit i hung around with, who were sucking my money.. i wanna say the best thing i realized the past few years how bad people have taken advantage of me. shamma i was giving her a monthly salary of 650 or so, other than the thousands i kept giving here and there, theeb as well i gave him tens of thousands, saeed, aisha, and of course Othman. and the relatives who kept taking advantage of me. i removed shamma from my life as a close sister. Ot is off the picture for ever.

i want specific things in life

  1. i want no one to take advantage of me financially, no more giving money to any one!
  2. i want a man for me, halal for me, and he is responsible for me completely.
  3. i want to remove myself emotionally from this relationship i am in right now. and find someone better as mentioned in point two.
  4. i want to be happy!!! loved!!!! taken care of!!!!!

why cant i get that???? i want it so badly.

Awkward feeling among others

so im in the mosque, our friday gathering here in colorado, and its awful… every friday i feel the same thing, the girls talking to each other about stuff that i have no idea about, and it only tells me one thing: they’ve been meeting over the week, and no one invited me ….

i dont know when will i ever grow up and get over this feeling of non-belonging, i hate why people always put me in this situation, im always finding myself the girl whos fidgeting trying to find a thing to do to avoid the awkwardness of not being involved in the conversation… since i know nothing about it.

im the nicest person in the world, but for some reason, nice doesnt pay any more.

 

 

its been along time since i posted, i know its unfair to you my blog that i post out of sadness, and i never told you about the million beautiful things that happened to me over the last few months… but i just had to write it to you.. thank you for listening … and being there for me aw always…

The Woman and the Man

 

I will attempt to write a series of posts to vent out the feminist in me

 

SyriaVAW2

It took me several years to arrive at a frightening and peace providing revelation; whatever I become, within the power of God, is governed by two:

My desire and actual work to progress

The level at which much a man allows me of opportunity and space

I can’t have one and grow, I have to have both, both equally important, equally effective. The reason that it took me so long to reach this is because I always believed if I wanted something badly enough…. It will happen!  No!! I am not an isolated person, I am first a woman, thereby a man overlooks me, and if that man does not allow me to work… drive, thrive, think, object, even have kids ….. I will not be able to do anything.

And I kept trying, and trying, my friends who had the same background as me, even more repressed version, triumphed and excelled… and I’m fighting the same battles I’ve fought all along. Until one day, I started to compare the complete picture… not only my friends, but also their partners and mine… and then I started to populate that view on every woman I can think of, some women had men who were liberated but they were lazy housewives, miserable or happy… but they just did not do anything to move forward, and there were women who were so motivated, so driven, and were running in their own spots, no matter how much they were able to help other women with their words, they were stuck with a partner who simply didn’t allow them to do what they wanted.

 

So the only successful cases I had around me, ones I knew personally and ones I read about, are people who had both things.. Personal drive, and supportive (or let’s say open) partner.

I know me, I know my situation, I have the drive, the personal desire to grow, and I act on it. And then there is my partner…

His resistance to change is remarkable, it’s fascinating, I’m just in owe…. Seriously!! We are in USA, the least he can do is dress in jeans, and he would not even do it! He refuses to lift a finger in the house and be involved in the house chores, and cannot see the need to grow thru education, puts so many obstacles on the kids parenting, shuts down adventurous ideas /trips… I mean! Of course I will not reach where I want to reach in this marriage, and yes I must definitely accept that and accept him as idle as he is… to maintain my sanity, and move on to more personal growth I must accept.

There was one time someone made me realize that I have been moving and my husband has been sitting in the same place, and that I should consider this, maybe slow down, and stop even. And give him the room he needs to grow…. But does my growth reduces his? Why do I have to slow down, stop…!! It’s enough he is making obstacles along my way, now I have to stop? What if I stop forever? That’s a possibility knowing the fact he is a lazy man.

This is an article to bash my husband. That is just the way he is, he is a crappy husband, and a good person. That is the most honest powerful statement I can think of to describe him.

This article is to shed the light on how women’s success is hindered by the partner’s flexibility. Not the level of his education, not the level of his religious beliefs…. His flexibility only.

 

 

Walking Straight

Imageas i wrote before, most of the complaints i recieve about me in work is that i am too serious, i sometimes go by zero-tolerance in my tasks, so one of the items i have is committing to an event end of december, and making sure everyone is adhering to the rules. and given we are approaching evaluation time, there is a lot of rug-pulling acts on the table.

today is particulary sad, because i confirmed today one of the people that i thought was righteous and kind, turned out to be a certified hypocrite and self centered. and instead of wining about him for hours/paragraphs. i decided to go to him straight and clear my case, i did, and he greeted me with the happiest of faces and most thankful.

but i know come evaluation time; or just the sight of my back, i will get a stab.

salute for walking straight girl. we’ll see in two months time if your straight walking is giving you the credit you deserve.

 

Big Issues … Small number of Warriors

since i became maidless i have started to like thursday, it gives me the break i need to sleep and be thorough in my cleaning.

Hajar had a international day in School where every body where’s their country uniform; she wore Msarra7 and Darra3a, i let her hair down, too bad i couldnt get the shoes to go for it, so i let her wear he school shoes.

i’m pretty hungry right now so the way this is going may not be rational. today in the workplace i became certain that one employee i thought was compitant… isn’t, and that is very unfortunate, i was putting my hope where i should’ve put my patience.

and speaking of patience, i recently found out that the hardest kind of patience is patience on people! i’m like below zero in my patience level!!

i’m watching a new series on showtime, its called Missing for Ashley Judd, this one suits her, she’s built for such characters.

what else do i wanna blurt out?

Ibrahim sickness is taking longer than expected, vomiting and diaria; Hajar is talking english more often than i like. and i need to sit her up with a dental appointment real soon.

i’m writing and writing, and the only thing that is hanging in my mind out of the whole day is ‘ admin and technical battle’ when will it e

The December before the next year

what a year 2014 was…. not the best year of my life, not the worst…. i had to come face to face with marital problem frequently, to the point i thought of separation.

marriage is so difficult, i know what lessons i need to learn and i come face to face with them, but oh how difficult are they?

for example acceptance… i need to accept my partner for who he is, but its so difficult, somethings are not easy to accept…

I guess since im coming back to this blog from time to time, i need to capture the year….

2014…

this is the year i got a scholarship to study abroad, that was a major turning point, and im very excited for 2015 to start that Journey.

i became obsessively excellent with my job

i had one of the best / worst trips of my life: SF 2014… I LOVE YOU, and i hate hating you for what happened.

this is the year that i lost the friendship of my boss, the good relationship that we had was completely gone with the wind when my relationship with the big boss got better.

i discovered my kids have ADHD, and learnt and still learning how to deal with it

i became very thin… and very fat.

i went to omra and almadina, madina was so pretty and relaxing.

i went to al hasa to visit our extended family, it was a one nighter… loved it

i bought my brother’s share in dad’s house

i invested in my kids artistically

….. im in no writing mode… i’ll try and come back soon my blog.

Thin lines

When you are confronted head on by the opposite product of your charasteric options; you may be in contact with a giant list of traits that you desire and do not enjoy recieving. And to add insult to injury; you opposite product is happily involved. This may not be the insult as it is; but the fact someone else is smarter (or is it luckier?) to get the creme de la creme.
Its easy to start comparing; and this is when thin lines are crossed; possibly hurting people along the way… I say better to just sit on bench while watching superior product and just enjoy the view; work with what you have.

A Love Letter to My Wife . . .

My dear wife,

Yesterday, I received a blank message from you, I felt right away so much in it should have been written, but whatever memory in the phone simply isn’t enough, I totally understand you, I totally understood you from the moment we decided to get married, and the first time we held hands.

The reason that we got married must be the most bizarre reason for any marriage in history, yet I felt right away your passion over flowing, every time I held your hand to walk in the streets of Medina, you were trembling with joy, it seems so difficult for you to learn how to let go of my hand, now after a year of marriage, you are still unable to do it. And I love you for that.

Do you remember the last day just before we came home? I was supposed to go to the airport before you, and we were holding hands so tight, so tight it pierced through my heart, your heart was beating so hard, you could barely breathe it felt you were in a marathon, I felt so strong against your weakness, I didn’t know what to do except to squeeze you in my arms and let my flight go… instead of you.

While it was difficult for me to come to you, I couldn’t not come, I felt the blank message speaking to me, and informing me of how you are, I promised you from the moment I realized you love me that I will never let a day go without our presence together. In a way, it is my fault; I’m the one who made you get used to sleeping with me….

My beautiful, that was difficult I know, I want you to know that I love you so much it is the only meaningful thing that occupies my mind, I love you so much I wish that I don’t waste time sleeping, it’s better spent holding hands with you.

Today is your day, so it’s a happy day, and I’m looking forward to see your pretty eyes smiling, and your lips tremble, your hands shake, your body weakens… I’m so looking forward to conquer you over and over again.

From your husband,

Standing Out

It used to be easy standing out in the crowd, but now.. every one is the same, nothing holds an edge of beauty, power, or modernism…. maybe there is still room for characters to stand out… but who cares about character any more?

its almost 11 p.m., the kids and hubby are asleep, its my favorite time of the day, when i have the house all for my self, and the only thing that bothers me is the clock is still ticking, can’t it just stop for a few hours so i can enjoy and unwind as much as i need? when we spend the whole day running from task to another, from role to role…. and we still feel there are things we missed, and should have taken care of…

Hajar is doing very well, i’m happy about her, she is a smart girl, an obedient one, she is hyper and moves all the time, but that’s just something beyond her control…. Ebraheem on the other hand is enjoying every second of his age, and living it by the book, he has so much of his dad’s character, i also feel he has characteristics from my dad… which i love… i feel he is going to turn out manly, and rough…. but i believe also he will be kind … just like Ot…

Ot is doing great too, very involved with his mosque community now, and without it beyond of negative effect on his character, he still struggles with his sleeping habits, but i’ve come to finally accept this is who he is.. and he too can not help it.

Isn’t serenity a gift? ….. i do love it very much, although i dont know how to deal with it sometimes, but when i do know, it turns out great, i’ve come to also love crafty stuff, and hope through it i will be able to control my impatience… my biggest flaw.

 

good night

Back to Blogsphere

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In an attempt to be more collective, and as a contagious reaction from one of my blogger friends, I am now back to blogging. The thing about blogging really is sometimes i wish to focus on one area, say parenting, but that’s not only me.. maybe i wanna focus about marriage, and that’s not all i have. so i’m back to blogging to blog about my world, i called it vyyvaa world.

last time a blogged is more than a year back.. so lots of things happened since then, yes we haven’t increased our family size, but Hajar has gone from KG to reception to now year 1… Ebrahim has moved from totally chaotic to much more defined strong character…. my love Ot has found a new calling that motivates him to wake up… i moved to a new group at work, which at first sounded like a good idea, but now serves as the worst decision of my life…. at work, i think i’m at survival mode. and i do wish it will change soon. 

since i have no idea where i will begin, and in which areas i will tap into.. i will close this post, and start fresh tomorrow, so long…