its 2021, last time i wrote was 2016? if so… alot has happened since then..let me go thru a quick recap
- i traveled to the usa for master education with my kids and husband at the time (year divorced now)
- mom had cancer, traveled to france, and went thru episodes in kuwait of heart surgery.
- i took off niqab end of 2018
- same time i got pregnant.. few months later lost the baby
- was completely frustrated with my married life.. went online to find an alternative.
- found one.. kept til now, since 2019.
- i finished masters by the way in 2017, had the worst years work wise with a tl named eman, and was finally saved from her in 2020.
- in 2020 i got divorced from the worst husband worst dad worst everything for me.
- now we are 2021 two years into this fucking pandemic.
I now live alone next to my brother, with my two kids, i’m comfortable at my job, eager to grow financially, aiming to buy a house at the beach but the prices are sky rocketing by the day. i managed to buy a land just for investment, a store too. bought little bit of gold, and investing in cryptocurrency. I’m a healthier fitter person, more beautiful, free from alot of the hurdles of the past. but i’m still not happy.
i love the person i am with, but he is not mine to begin with. he is already married with a kid and a pregnant wife. he is taking care of me, but i feel sad and depressed alot of the times knowing that i’m not legally his nor is he giving me the same amount of time and effort as his wife.
i dont know if i opened this blog again just to talk about this.. but i do know i want to write.
it’s almost a year and half since i got divorced, Ot is only financially committed to kids on the minimum level. he doesnt take them out nor does he contribute to raising them. I feel extremely burdened and tired as a single mother, they ask me every single day to take them out, i need to make sure they are on top of their education, they are happy, well fed, well mannered, occupied, have good friends around, health wise too, and their exponential requirements as they move into teenagehood.
i am tried, and i am sad for this, i’m sad for being alone without a partner supporting me at this. i am sad for them too that they have to endure this without a dad. not that the dad we had was a good one, he was really awful. yes, he was not a trouble maker, he didnt cheat, he didnt hit me, but he was irresponsible, lazy, arrogant, narrow minded, empty, uneducated bedouin, and a serial gaming addict.
he continued to push me away, continued to remove himself from us as a unit of a family, and expected me to fucking be patient and loving. no sir! i fucked around the minute i realized how badly my life really is, and you divorced me only because i wanted to save my own kids too. fuck you and go to hell and i’m only sorry we even got married in the first place. i blame my family for throwing me to the shithole. and i wish i wish!!!!!! i can put myself singlehandedly in a proper relationship real soon.
now i am a 42 year old woman, a mother of two, who would wanna be involved with me? that’s why the person i’m involved with is happy at the status we are in. no marriage, fun and talk and lots of fucking. why wouldnt he be satisfied?
but i’m not, and until i find someone who can satisfy my emotional appetite, i will continue with this person.
i’m very angry now, but usually i am very loving towards him, he is an absolute gem, and has been with me thru thick and thin
i’m angry at him because he is being an excellent husband, an even more perfect dad!!! i’m very angry that another woman can get this halal and i couldnt!!! i was 10,000 times a better wife than her for 13 plus years!!!! but the shit i was married too only gave me a title of a married woman. i hate him for robbing me from the best years of my life, just stuck there in the hope that he will be different… different my ass
any way… i really really want to write this all out so i can be free from sadness. i am very sad and i know i deserve wayyyy betttter, fucking life keeps knocking me down. and you know what!!! i am a better person, healthier, more beautiful, have larger circle of useful friends, i got rid of the useless shit i hung around with, who were sucking my money.. i wanna say the best thing i realized the past few years how bad people have taken advantage of me. shamma i was giving her a monthly salary of 650 or so, other than the thousands i kept giving here and there, theeb as well i gave him tens of thousands, saeed, aisha, and of course Othman. and the relatives who kept taking advantage of me. i removed shamma from my life as a close sister. Ot is off the picture for ever.
i want specific things in life
- i want no one to take advantage of me financially, no more giving money to any one!
- i want a man for me, halal for me, and he is responsible for me completely.
- i want to remove myself emotionally from this relationship i am in right now. and find someone better as mentioned in point two.
- i want to be happy!!! loved!!!! taken care of!!!!!
why cant i get that???? i want it so badly.