Silence in Marriage
Yesterday I went to bed around 12 a.m. the kids were asleep, Ot was on the PlayStation, and I just laid down to bed, taking my time to visualize not my day, but my life… I’m in a good place, but not as good as I was, something happened, maybe boredom, maybe evil eye, maybe stress of the new job and the kids demand, the social circle, the fight to do the righteous no matter what.
I know I can think of things and logically I will be able to see what’s right and what’s wrong, and even draw down the solutions, but a lot of the solutions will involve two parties, the misconception that women are superheroes and can carry the burden of their lives and the lives of their spouses and children and relatives…. It’s just too much, when will anybody step in?
There is an easy solution of ignorance, and going by the flow, let the waves take me, but it’s not my character, Ot is not doing bad, but he could do better, he’s also not happy with ignorance, but he could do better in preventing those awkward silence we sometimes have. The silence that spans from walking to the apartment, doing the daily chores, playing with kids, and having those only very necessary exchange of words with him. This kind of silence sucks the life out of me, I know it’s not everlasting, it never was, never will be.
While I was in bed, I thought of the many married people I know, when I look at them they seem to have it all figured out, at least some of them, they’ve accepted their lives as they are, they know how to maneuverer their way around things, and there is a steady pattern of mutual understanding. There was a time I thought I was there, but then comes a blow of the silence treatment to shake me to reality. Do those married people also go thru the silence? Or is it loud and with many ugly words, would it have been easier if he was bad mouthing me?
To get something out in the open, instead of not knowing what is it you did wrong, or if you do know, how your partner is dealing with it, it’s painful, to me I do my best to avoid it, but it keeps sneaking around as soon as I blink.
Yesterday was my wedding anniversary, we did not celebrate it, and we usually don’t. I could say because of religious reasons, but honestly it’s the motivation, when I reminded Ot that in a few days it’s our 5 year anniversary, what I meant is that he would surprise me, but the day came and went, and queen was the silence not I. there are days that he walks to the house with a flower, a new laptop, a jewelry set, just out of the blue and with no day to designate it to, just pure love. I so much need one of those days now, to end this silence, I’m betting on his sex drive, any day now he should be drawn to me, and if he is, let that be his way of apologizing of being away while here, and this time, if I have happy marriage bliss, I’ll try not to blink.