I can describe you, can you describe me?
We had a closure to our silence; jealousy is a discolored trait in a man, and Ot is all colored with it for some time now, to offer him some peacefulness, he decided I shouldn’t be using Whatsapp, calling it his enemy, since it distracts me from him, and although I have so many connections in Whatsapp, I caved in when he said: this way I will have no more excuse for my jealousy, you’ve done everything I’ve asked.
It didn’t feel good parting from my Samsung when everyone else around me is using a smartphone, and it didn’t feel good being pressured into an escalating list of ‘don’t do this’ when the reason he uses is love. I don’t believe in this love, I’ve told him to stop concentrating on the machines around us, and look out for me, look at me, and talk to me….stop the negativity, the list of demands, stop ordering me.
It’s difficult to write about Ot in this time, as I would always want to think of him in the best way, I know this is not the true him, I’ve known the true him, I’ve lived with him, I’ve had kids with him, this is a temporary guy who has just drained the last order he could possibly ask of me as a respecting wife.
I never say no to sex for religious reasons, and in this particular time, I was the furthest from my body, and he saw it, but he was so grateful and appreciative I didn’t take anything away from him in the midst of my sadness, does he realize how much he is taking from me? When we were done, with the fear of receiving deafening silence over me, I asked him if he knew me, if he could describe me. He said of course, and that I should know him too, how could I not know him…?
I can describe you, you’re homey, you love untraditional salads, you’re favorite thing is technology, if it was up to you, you would have a new car every day, a new phone every day, a new computer every day, you have only one best friend, and you talk to him three times a year, you only go to dewaneya couple of times a month, and only to pay respects, you don’t like bad mouthing, you never do, you never shout, never loudly angry, you don’t talk much, and when people talk, you’d rather they talked in something virtuous. You like chai haleeb, and you favor half milk, I know for a fact you’re crazy about the kids, and you have a dear spot for Hajar, and a kind and tender one for Ibrahim, I know you use the silent treatment, as I get to taste it. And I know you love me, I know you are afraid of losing me, I know you think you cannot survive life without me. I know you like to travel a lot, I know you favor usa to Europe, I know you’re kind to the point of foolishness, and I know you are hurt when people using your kindness against you right in front of your eyes.
My heart all poured out… I said it all, and then I asked, can you describe me? Do you know what’s important to me, what are my hobbies, what’s my daily routine? Can you talk about me in a chain of connected sentences? He was baffled, not from the answer, but from the amount of words he will have to chain together….
Of course, he doesn’t talk much.